By Maggie Hammer, Grand Valley State University 2023 @GVSUWLAX
I never thought I would be able to graduate college. My freshman year at Grand Valley State University consisted of frequent visits to my coach’s office, generally with tears flowing down my face. I didn’t think that I could do it. It’s painful but also gratifying to look back and see how far I have come. It’s crazy to think that I am currently juggling a part-time internship, completing my master’s degree, and playing on the lacrosse team as a fifth-year captain.
I want to encourage those who are struggling to keep listening to those positive voices and influences. Don’t listen to the negative and discouraging voices: those in your head and those in your circle. The people that got me through that doubtful time were my coaches, friends, family, and academic advisors.
My freshman-year self was a completely different person than my fifth-year self. I would have laughed in disbelief if my coach would have told me all the things that I would have overcome and accomplished throughout my time at Grand Valley. My freshmen-year self would not be friends with my fifth-year self. I have matured greatly.
The hard days were the ones that pushed me to be the person that I am today. Even my coaches have said as much. I am grateful for the journey, all of it: the hard times, the losses, the daily grind. They have helped me develop endurance and empathy.
The battles started right away when I struggled to even find the buildings where I had class. I had to Facetime my roommate to even know how to get back to the dorm for the first week of college. Right after that, I started to have major stomach problems. My doctor put me on a special diet. Luckily my coaches were understanding and allowed me to miss lacrosse practice when I had flare-ups. They helped me get connected to a dietitian and I appreciated them always checking in on how I was doing. They didn’t force me to continue to push through just for lacrosse. They focused on the fact that I was struggling. They prioritized my health over my contribution to lacrosse. That meant a lot to me and ultimately helped me overcome my ailment.
Another pivotal time that wrecked me was the consequences of the COVID pandemic. Many days I felt lonely and isolated. The fact that I am very extroverted only added to my misery. Other athletes and coaches know exactly what the struggle was like having to get through those terrible days. Once we moved past the severe COVID restrictions, I thought I was in the clear. Having the opportunity to finally play the game that I loved without having the constant fear of quarantine was very freeing. But just when I got back into the flow of things, my life started to slowly take a turn for the worse. I did not enjoy lacrosse like I used to, and I didn’t know what to do about that. Then, I began to get mad at myself for not being happy. It was a weird feeling. I felt like I should be happy, but instead, I felt sad.
Depression was a battle that I was not ready to face. I didn’t even know that I was fighting depression. It was hard for me to fight a battle I didn’t know that I was in. I am thankful that my coach and my friends asked the questions that made me reflect on what I was feeling. Not loving lacrosse or feeling like myself was hard. It was not normal for me to leave practice crying for no reason. I had everything going for me and yet I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. If it wasn’t for the support around me, I wouldn’t have been able to get the help I needed as fast as I did. Luckily when I got the help and meds that I needed, I started to get back to normal and feel happy again.
I am thankful that I have other friends and teammates who have gone through what I experienced. I know other athletes who have also struggled with the same mental health issues, us sharing our vulnerabilities made those friendships stronger. My relationships through lacrosse provided me with the support I needed to help me get through hard times.
Due to the pandemic, the NCAA granted athletes an extra year of eligibility and I decided to take full advantage of it. This extra year has allowed me to pursue a master’s in communication that I was able to start while I was still in my undergraduate. I have also had the unique opportunity to work as a sales intern while juggling school and lacrosse. This has been amazing because I have been able to gain experience and get a taste of what life after college looks like. This internship has given me more confidence in areas that I never thought I would be able to gain. This experience has helped me cherish every day that I have left on the lacrosse team as I have a glimpse into life in the “real world” with my internship. Normally athletes who have been playing for over four years are ready and excited to be done with the tough grind of college athletics. Instead, I have been able to gain new experiences and I have been so thankful for it.
All these experiences have impacted my life forever. I am so excited for the future, and I want everyone to know that if it wasn’t for my coaches, I would not be the person I am today. If my coaches didn’t allow me to study for hours in their office, if they hadn’t constantly gone over time management skills with me, if they wouldn’t have texted me back and forth late at night when I thought the world was ending, I wouldn’t be the confident person that I am today. I love lacrosse and I wanted to share how truly blessed and grateful I am to have had the privilege to play over these past four years. Everyone needs to know if it wasn’t for the person behind the whistle, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Thank you.
BEHIND THE WHISTLE 